For every girl with the morals of a guy

 

How To Be A Complete Pussy After A Breakup

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We’ve all been at that point where someone dumps you and you feel worse than dog shit.  Getting angry, depressed, or even a little crazy is acceptable.  But the one thing you should never do is be a complete pussy after a breakup.  Why? Because no one is ever going to look back and say “yea, they took the breakup really well, it made me like them more.”  To avoid looking like a total asshole, don’t say any of these after someone gives you the old “See you never” speech.



I hope everything works out for you: Bitch, that person just broke up with you, don’t wish them the best.  Wish for them to get herpes.  If the place you worked at for 4 years fired you, would you want them to become a multimillion dollar company over the next year without you? Didn’t think so.

I’m glad to have met you: Really, you’re glad someone just took an emotional shit on you? Yea I’m sure you had some good times but unless this person got you a sick job or introduced you to the person you’re gonna marry, you shouldn’t be happy you met them right after a breakup.  Maybe get with their best friend a few months down the road then say it…revenge is a dish best served sarcastically.

I hope we can still be friends: Why? So you can see them live happily ever after without you? Because if you stick around to watch, that’s most likely what you’ll see.  Either them moving on with someone who’s better than you (which sucks) or someone who’s worse than you (which also sucks, because they still don’t want you).  And don’t fall for it if they person breaking up with you says they still want to be friends. Telling someone you’re dumping them but still want to stay friends is basically code for “I don’t really like you but if I’m ever desperate for some play I still want the option to fuck you.” 

7 Stages Of Crazy

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So the newest video to go viral on youtube is this crazy broad singing the stalker version of Justin Bieber’s song “Boyfriend” (if you haven’t had an idiot co-worker make you watch this yet consider yourself lucky).  We’ve all gone a little crazy after some relationships, but some people take it to a whole new level when they’re pissed.  Then they usually sit around and wonder why everyone calls them a psyco.  In honor of this level of crazy I decided to outline 7 warning signs that showcase an increasingly deranged love obsessed stalker. 


1.) Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but let’s hang out EVERYDAY:  Most normal people know the 2 day rule.  You go out with someone on a Friday, you text them on Sunday.  Guys can have a little more flexibility with this, maybe a throw in a “hey hope you got home ok, I had a nice time tonight!” message.  Other than that, play it cool people.  If you’re that desperate after the first day just imagine 6 months down the road, guaranteed they’ll be talking about horrifying things like kids and matching towel sets. 


2.) Oh you already have plans? Thanks for blowing me off:  As fun as picking out bird seed for your grandma sounds, some people actually work for a living.  If a girl/ guy gets pissed that you can’t hang out right when they want you, that’s a sign they’re entering crazy mode.  And believe me it only gets worse from here, because instead of being a rational human being, now they think you owe them, and payback is a bitch. 

3.) Don’t bother calling me anymore: Don’t worry hunny, he won’t.  This is like a get out of jail free card for guys.  It’s not a way to let him know you’re pissed, it’s a way to let him know you’re crazy.  He already realizes you want him to call, but now he can use the line “well you told me not to!”  Ergo now you look like the psychopath for getting angry when he doesn’t (which, if you’re saying this, you probably are). 


4.) The fake text- “Hey sexy can’t wait to see you tonight ;) OMG so sorry I accidentally hit your phone number instead of my boyfriend’s”  I send wrong messages all the time, but usually they contain the word booger or something embarrassing.  It’s highly unlikely you just happened to “accidentally” text your plans to someone you’ve clearly been stalking. 


5.) The drunk text: “Hye whher r u at?? I wnat to see yuo tahhhnightttr”  Unless you are currently en route to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, no one is that bad of a drunk texter.  We get it, you’re inebriated and promising guilt free sex.  (Don’t fall for it, you’ll wake up to them cooking you breakfast and asking what you want to do together for the day).

 6.) I’m not crazy but…: If you have to start a sentence with this, it’s basically forewarning the other person what you’re about to say will scare them.  

And the craziest of them all…. 

7.) I’ve been hurt in the past, you just proved to me that all guys are assholes (or girls are bitches): Oh you’ve been hurt in the past? Damn, that sucks because it’s not like that happens to everyone who’s ever been in a fucking relationship.  Did you significant other throw you down a flight of stairs then try and strangle you? If not then stop being a pussy saying shit hurt and get over it.  Yea breakups suck dick but if you act like you’re life was ruined every time then get used to being dumped cuz your ass is crazy.   These people are usually easy to recognize, so head it off early.  And by head it off I mean get a restraining order, delete them on facebook and RUN. 

Post-Apocalyptic Relationships: 7 Stages of Crazy

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So the newest video to go viral on youtube is this crazy broad singing the stalker version of Justin Bieber’s song “Boyfriend” (if you haven’t had an idiot co-worker make you watch this yet consider yourself lucky).  We’ve all gone a little crazy after some relationships, but some people take it to a whole new level when they’re pissed.  Then they usually sit around and wonder why everyone calls them a psyco.  In honor of this level of crazy I decided to outline 7 warning signs that showcase an increasingly deranged love obsessed stalker.


1.) Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but let’s hang out EVERYDAY:  Most normal people know the 2 day rule.  You go out with someone on a Friday, you text them on Sunday.  Guys can have a little more flexibility with this, maybe a throw in a “hey hope you got home ok, I had a nice time tonight!” message.  Other than that, play it cool people.  If you’re that desperate after the first day just imagine 6 months down the road, guaranteed they’ll be talking about horrifying things like kids and matching towel sets.


2.) Oh you already have plans? Thanks for blowing me off:  As fun as picking out bird seed for your grandma sounds, some people actually work for a living.  If a girl/ guy gets pissed that you can’t hang out right when they want you, that’s a sign they’re entering crazy mode.  And believe me it only gets worse from here, because instead of being a rational human being, now they think you owe them, and payback is a bitch.

3.) Don’t bother calling me anymore: Don’t worry hunny, he won’t.  This is like a get out of jail free card for guys.  It’s not a way to let him know you’re pissed, it’s a way to let him know you’re crazy.  He already realizes you want him to call, but now he can use the line “well you told me not to!”  Ergo now you look like the psychopath for getting angry when he doesn’t (which, if you’re saying this, you probably are).


4.) The fake text- “Hey sexy can’t wait to see you tonight ;) OMG so sorry I accidentally hit your phone number instead of my boyfriend’s”  I send wrong messages all the time, but usually they contain the word booger or something embarrassing.  It’s highly unlikely you just happened to “accidentally” text your plans to someone you’ve clearly been stalking.

5.) The drunk text: "Hye whher r u at?? I wnat to see yuo tahhhnightttr"  Unless you are currently en route to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, no one is that bad of a drunk texter.  We get it, you’re inebriated and promising guilt free sex.  (Don’t fall for it, you’ll wake up to them cooking you breakfast and asking what you want to do together for the day).

6.) I’m not crazy but…: If you have to start a sentence with this, it’s basically forewarning the other person what you’re about to say will scare them.  

And the craziest of them all….

7.) I’ve been hurt in the past, you just proved to me that all guys are assholes (or girls are bitches): Oh you’ve been hurt in the past? Damn, that sucks because it’s not like that happens to everyone who’s ever been in a fucking relationship.  Did you significant other throw you down a flight of stairs then try and strangle you? If not then stop being a pussy saying shit hurt and get over it.  Yea breakups suck dick but if you act like you’re life was ruined every time then get used to being dumped cuz your ass is crazy.  

These people are usually easy to recognize, so head it off early.  And by head it off I mean get a restraining order, delete them on facebook and RUN. 

What’s the biggest sport at the Olympics? SEX

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Apparently Olympics athletes are scoring more than points in the games this year.  For the 2012 London Olympics, the committee ordered 100,000 condoms for the athletes.  A HUNDRED THOUSAND FREAKING RUBBERS.  Forget the games, how do I get tickets to the athlete village? I guess it shouldn’t shock anyone that all those super fit, good looking, I-don’t-know-how-to-say-anything-but-yes-in-your-language super humans are shacking it up after they compete.  For one thing, it’s a great way to handle the stress and even more important, there’s a good chance you won’t see that person for another four years.  So which athletes are the most sexually active? Through no scientific or sound proof whatsoever I’m counting down who I think “goes for the gold” trojan wrapper the most:

5. Soccer- Not as big in America, but in every other country these guys/girls are basically royalty, pretty much the Tim Tebow of the country.  You all hate it because they’re famous and athletic (and usually cry like a bitch when they fall down) but you’d still take a roll in the sack if you got the chance. 


4.  Track and Field- This one might not be on the list if it wasn’t for our story on Michelle Jenneke.  Just goes to show being fast doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not fun.  Who wouldn’t want a little quickie right before a meet? 


3.  Gymnastics- They bend, they flip, they contort their bodies in ways that make you wanna grab your own balls and say ouch.  Talk about performing under pressure, these people flip 5 feet in the air over 4 inches of wood among thousands of screaming fans (can I just point out golfers need complete silence to make a 2 inch putt? Pussies) Technically gymnastics could score the #2 or even #1 spot on the list, but I’m pretty sure they are also the angriest athletes in the Olympics.  I’d be afraid to have sex with anything that has a straight face after landing flat on their face after a triple back flip.

2. Women’s Volleyball- Basically the symbol for sex in the Olympics.  Just go into a bar this week and look around, it’s the one time you’ll see guys watching a female sport instead of basketball.  Not to mention that unlike some other sports where you can’t tell who’s a boy and who’s a girl because they are all so jacked, these women have the perfect bodies.  Tall, muscular, tan…it’s like watching Victoria’s Secret models play in the sand.  But once you get past the sand and into the water it’s…

1. SWIMMING- You hang out all day practically naked, you’re always wet, your events include breaststroke and backstroke, I could write puns all day about this.  Look at they way almost no one in this sport looks serious even right before a race.  You can just see these people are trying to swim faster so they can get out of the pool to go have sex.  There’s a reason ESPN wrote an article on why swimmers are the most sexually active athletes.  That burst of endorphins, muscles of steel, and slicked down wet suite would get anyone ready for action.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my take on sex in the Olympics.  Of course some people were offended by all this talk about sex and condoms in the Olympics, but I have a theory on why it’s necessary.  You have the fastest, strongest, most talented people in the planet all in once place this week.  They better be using those condoms, otherwise the rest of us would become extinct if they breed  a whole new generation of super humans.  Think about it. 

Never Underestimate The Power Of Female Detective Skills

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I know I’ve been absent on here for a while, who knew getting a real job would take up so much of my time?  Don’t worry I’ve been doing plenty of stupid shit while drunk to give you all new stories on here.  Speaking of late night antics I’ve been wanting to write this story for a while and feel like enough time has passed where I can.  A few months ago I discovered that every woman is born a detective when it comes to men.  If we need information about a guy, there is no force on this Earth that will stop us from getting it.  This can make us seem brilliant, or it makes us look fucking insane.  Either way, guys might as well make all their shit public because we’re going to find it anyways.  How do I know this?

It was my friend’s birthday, so being the alcoholics we are we decide to rent a limo and go to a drag show.  Since we didn’t have to worry about hailing cabs and the limo was stocked like Amy Winehouse’s liquor cabinet it’s needless to say we were all hammered by 10pm.  Add in a little encouragement from some drag queens and we were a recipe for disaster.  We decide to leave the club and head out for a bar some of our other friends were at.  We get there, and my last memory from the night is seeing a hot guy at the bar, and going to buy a shot to see if he would talk to me.  Obviously this was drunk girl logic at it’s finest.  

I wake up to a text in the morning saying something to the effect of “It was so nice to meet you, let’s hang out sometime.”  Doing what any normal girl would do I instantly wake up all my friends asking “the guy I was talking to, was he good looking or was he fucking ugly?” We determine he is in fact hot guy from the bar last night.  So now to my next problem, I have no fucking clue what his name is.  Since I’m pretty sure my drunk self from the night before didn’t make any kind of classy impression, I know if I ask this kid his name it’s game over.  The only information we had to go off of was that he was my friend’s friend acquaintance from another hometown friend.  Enter stalker girl squad. WIthin 10 minutes, we had looked through the friend’s albums until we found the guy in the background of one of the pictures.  At the same time, my other friend had this trick where you can call someone’s voicemail message without them knowing to confirm the name.  Sadly this didn’t work, but 5 more minutes and my friends had somehow found out his name, what sport he played in college, and an random post on the internet saying that he had 3 girlfriends at one point.  

Ok, so I know with the internet it’s pretty easy to find out anything about anyone.  But still, women are fucking pros at it.  If the U.S. really wanted to find terrorists they should just look for any pissed off ex girlfriends and talk to them.  Guarantee within 10 minutes you will have his phone number, address, and the last slut he banged.  The truth is women are sneakier than the FBI when we want to be.  I just hope this kid is no where near as good as a detective, because if he finds this blog post there is no way in hell he’s talking to me again.  Oh well, all in the name of comedy.  

Types of Checkouts

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Elevator eyes- The straight up and down assessment.  This kind of look just gives you the hibbie jibbies inside.  Dude takes in everything from your tits to your feet, and he’s already thinking about fucking you before he gets to your face.  Usually happens when you walk by a construction site or weirdly, in an elevator….I think it’s because you can’t get away for at least 30 seconds, plenty of time for a fantasy jackoff sesh.  Guys tend to nod their heads as if they are showing appreciation for checking out your body.  Thanks bro, I feels special you decided to eye fuck me in the most obvious way possible.  

The casual side glance- Subtle but sincere.  At least this guy makes somewhat of an effort to make sure you don’t have a busted face with hot body.  Side glances at a bar usually lead to good flirting, good flirting leads to great sex.  Yes, your health teacher and mean girls had it right, talking to a boy can get you pregnant. 

No look at all- Ladies if you think you are looking fly and walk by a dude who does not look at you, Instantly you think “whoa whoa woah, did he really just not check me out?” Admit it, you get a little insulted, and immediately turn around to try and figure out if he’s gay or not.  Sure we don’t want to be ogled 24/7, but a little glance is a nice self-esteem booster.  Is that contradictory? Yea, but we’re just difficult like that.  Deal with it. 

Problems Living In The City #CityProblems

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As some of you might know, I recently accomplished a life long dream of mine by moving to Boston, and I am determined to make it the best fucking time ever because in my eyes there is nothing better than living here. THAT being said, there is some serious shit I wasn’t prepared for in moving to a city.  I knew it was going to be tough, not just because like every other 20 something year old I’m broke as shit (insert blame politics/economy/anyone statement here), but because life always has a way of handing you your dreams with a little hey-fuck-you! in there.  Kind of like when you finally hook up with that hot chick only to find out she has herpes….anyways, here’s my list of shit that sucks in the city. 

Bikers-  FUCK OFF.  That’s what I have to say to all you stupid bikers out there.  I think if you have to obey the rules of the road, you should be able to travel the speed of the cars on the road.  And it’s always fucking hipsters.  I used to love hipsters, give me a guy with skinny jeans and glasses and I say you can scream my name before the sex was cool.  But moving here has made me hate them. I don’t feel like waiting 10 minutes to take a right because you wanted to pretend to be Aunty Em and ride to Whole Foods with your little wicker basket ya bitch. 

Parking- Anyone in Boston or New York can relate to this.  It get’s to the point where you think “where the hell are all these cars coming from?” I swear some secret agent force is secretly filling up the streets with cars.  If we put all the money cities made from parking tickets into the deficit, we’d be out of debt in no time.  Instead, cities put their money into ninja training an elite force of god forsaken meter maids to prowl the streets at 3am.  Nothing, not wind nor rain nor begging broke college kids will stop them from raining orange paper on your ass. 

No parking, drunkenness ensues- Parking is a bitch, but having public transportation as your own personal party bus on the weekends can also lead to bad outcomes.  Nothing says classy like slugging vodka out of a water bottle on the T.  And since no one has to be a sober driver, there is also no longer the one friend there that says “guys this is a bad idea.”  Next thing you know, you wake up in the back of a cab with a response to a booty call text you don’t remember sending….uh, I mean I’ve just heard that’s what happens.   

College girls-  All the guys reading this are like “yo, the best part of living in the city is watching hot college chicks run by.”  No it’s fucking not.  If you’re an adult chick living in the city, watching Pam Andersons stunt double run by in a “Go BU!” sports bra makes you want to punch her in the face as she’s running by.  Not all of us go to class once a week and have time to work off the slut sweat that comes with college.  

Survival Guide To Getting Left Behind At A Bar

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Everyone has had this happen at least once.  You’re having a grand old time dancing like a robot to Rhianna’s new song when you look around and realize all your friends are nowhere to be seen. Seeing as how it’s Friday and I’m somewhat of a pro on this topic, here are just a few tips I’ve picked up on  what to do if you’re friends leave you at a bar.

1. Order at least 5 more drinks.  You’re friends are going to be thirsty when they get back.

2.  Drinks those drinks.  Those ditching assholes can buy their own tequila.  

3. Pull out your cellphone and pretend to text your friends.  Everyone knows if you’re alone at a bar on your cellphone it means you have a totally awesome entourage coming to meet you and that you are not a loser at all.

4. Order shots.  You don’t want that panicky “I might actually have to find my own way home” feeling setting in.

5.  Text that boy that only calls you to fuck at 3am.  After 6 months he’s definitely starting to come around and see you as girlfriend material.

6.  Go to the bathroom. Have a heart to heart with a complete stranger who will tell you that you’re too beautiful/ smart/ funny/ way to good for that loser that texts you to sleep with him.  Resolve not to answer the booty calls you’ve now started from drunk messaging him.  Make plans with stranger to go get your nails done.  Walk out of the bathroom and realize you don’t know her name or number, feel a little sad inside. 

7.  Call your booty call to pick you up.  You forgot to write your friend’s address in Sharpie on your hand so there’s no way your making it back on your own.  Promise a blow job in exchange for your services. Replace feelings of guilt by telling yourself it’s okay because your drunk.  Plus, he will get to see how hot you look tonight….you know, after sweating and dancing and maybe throwing up in your mouth a little…

It’s not science, but hey these steps will ensure you have an awesome night out.    

Plan B Commercials Are Not What They Seem

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Do you ever notice when you need something you start to notice commercials for it a lot more? Like if you’re a dude thinking about buying a truck you might start noticing the funny feeling you get in your pants when the new Toyota commercials come on.  But if you’re a chick that doesn’t keep track of when mother nature comes (like me) you start to panic once a month and notice birth control advertisements.  

So like every month I’ve been playing the guessing game while eating chocolate on my couch and waiting for the general mood of bitchness to overcome the rationale side of my brain.  And in this drunken haze of PMSing I’m watching a commercial for Plan B that shows a mom running after her little monster smiling and saying “I want more kids but maybe not right now!” (Fake laugh, husband swoops in for a kiss).  I have just one thought while watching this: Bitch, that ain’t real life.

I don’t know if the marketing people for Plan B tried to PG up their product by saying only married women generally use this pill when they want to wait to have more kids.  Like they’re saying “don’t worry God, I got you on the next one.”  No way.  If the Plan B people really want to show a real use of their product, show some chick checking a dudes wallet in the morning to find out his name and then running to Target with her best girlfriends saying “oh my god, I NEVER do this!”  

50 Shades of Grey-tness

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I know I’ve been out of commission for a few days on this blog.  I had planned on writing a lot more since I finally graduated last week and have time on my hands for once.  But that was before I discovered 50 Shades of Grey. Now I know everyone out there with a penis is rolling their eyes at me, because there was just a post on here about how dumb this book is (Daddy’s take of 50 Shades) Let me assure you that when I first heard about this book I thought “great, another stupid book about another stupid chick being stupid and falling in love with some stupid guy.”  I have read my fair share of romance novels and thought if I had to read another sentence about some dude sweeping a girl off her feet in a passionate embrace I would puke.  But wanting to be a therapist of the sex type I decided to see what all the hype is about and read the damn book.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is when I found out this is the greatest piece of literature I have ever read. 

Why you ask? Well for one thing I had to change my underwear about 3 fucking times within the first few chapters.  Then when my man got home I jumped him like the world was ending in an hour.  This isn’t about women wanting to be whores, it’s about finally having some chick say “hey  we want sex and we want it HARD.”  Guys are always complaining about how chicks want the romance and flowers and all that shit.  Well in this book the guy’s is pretty much the most unromantic person on the planet but he’s an absolute sex god. So as this book gains ridiculous popularity there is finally concrete evidence that all women want in the relationship boils down to GOOD SEX.  Sure, as women we can get sex whenever we want, but truly orgasmic/rough/creative/mind-blowing sex is hard to come by.  We need to make up for it with the romance crap.  

Just like women can either be good girls or sexy girls, guys can either be rich and romantic or sexy.  If you give us mind blowing sex, we will let you get away with your other shit most likely.  So men, when asking yourselves why all women on the face of the earth are diddling themselves to this book instead of getting it on for real, it’s because this imaginary character get’s us to climax harder than a 2 hour session with your  KY.